It's Too Cold Outside For Angels To Fly
by dxntana
Summary: After a huge problem between Rachel and Finn, they drift apart for a year thinking that a little break would heal the wound but when they want to reconnect, they notice that too many pieces are shattered and things will never go back to the way it was.
1. Chapter 1

It was a dark November morning in New York and everything reminded me of death. The flowers lost their color, the trees no longer had leaves and I no longer had a heart. Winter used to be my favorite; I loved the idea of darkness because I was aware that the whole place would light up any time soon when the snow hits the ground, turning everything white. This time, it seemed like it would never snow but it would only rain.

The clouds would shed their tears and release their sadness, allowing us to sink in them. I finally understood why everyone disliked rain so much. It was disheartening and now it all made sense.

I was siting in front of the window, staring at the world with a paper and pencil in front of me. Clouds were forming in the sky and I tried to study it but the paper in front of me was upsetting me. It was blank and it was slowly beginning to mock me. I always thought that if you obliged yourself to do something then you'd do it but that theory was totally false. Siting in the same place for the past three months didn't help because my paper remained blank.

Most people would say that I just sat in front of the window and wouldn't even recognize the paper. I despised the color white, because it sometimes suggested innocence and other times it showed how empty a person actually is. It revealed their true emotions.

A key was placed in the lock of the door, demonstrating that someone was coming in and I exhaled. "Rachel?"

"In here." I responded, leaning on the chair and stretching my back. Clicks of heels were heard and I knew that Finn wasn't back yet. A woman with long black hair stood next to me, gazing outside the window as well. She was wearing a very dark blue dress that was up until her knees and had a black coat on that was not buttoned up.

She looked at me, studying my face and my hair because that's how she knew whether I bothered myself to shower today or just sat on my chair per usual. I didn't have to tell her anything because she knew me so well. "How much do I have to pay you to get your daily weather forecast?"

"It's going to rain." I stated the obvious and she scrunched her face, shaking her head.

"I noticed." She sighed and removed her shoes, throwing them next to the window. It was a tall window that extended from the ceiling to the granite floor. "When was the last time you actually got up and ate something, Rachel? I'm glad you bothered yourself and went to take a shower. You're expecting people sometime this week so please, take shower."

"Santana, I don't want anyone to come over. I don't want to see anyone. I mean, if I did, I would actually go back to work." I muttered and moved my gaze back to the blank paper before throwing it on the floor. "Do you think you can find black paper anywhere?"

"I'll see what I can do." Santana replied, setting a plate of avocado sandwich on the table with a glass of water. She sat on the couch and closed her eyes. This was a daily routine but at first, I used to shout at Santana and kick her out. After a month of shouting and trying to kick her out, I gave up when I noticed that no matter what I said, whom I insulted and how many times I kicked her out, she'd always come back and ask about the weather.

She'd come on Fridays and would check my closet, smelling every single piece of clothing and placing the dirty ones in a basket so she could take it for laundry. On Saturdays, she'd get people to clean the house or sometimes, she'd do it herself. "I can obviously clean better than them, they use hand soap to clean the dishes. What a waste of twenty dollars." On Sundays, she'd either go to the grocery store or she'd go shopping for me. She did too much and even after constant begging, she wouldn't budge and would still come the following week.

"How'd the case go?" I asked because I felt the need to return all that she's done for me by simply caring about her. I was a pretty crappy friend who cared about no one and did nothing but stare outside the window with a blank paper in front of her.

"Horribly. Instead of actually telling the truth and listening to me, Tom lied and said he never met his mafia leader, which by the way isn't even possible, and will be punished by going to jail for two years. I can't even do anything to get him out because they all knew the truth and I warned him about that but he still had to act like a coward and get sent to jail. I feel like I failed because I couldn't help him." She rubbed her face and shook her head. I slowly got off the chair and sat next to her, feeling the couch slightly go down.

I rubbed her arm reassuringly. "You did all you could do, Tana. He didn't listen to you and he suffered with the consequences."

"The same way you don't listen to me?" she asked, looking at me.

"We're not talking about this." I got up and went back to my chair but Santana was already up and she was next to me.

"Nothing would've been like this if you listened to me, Rachel."

"Don't call me that." I whispered, closing my eyes as hard as possible.

"He would've been here and he would've helped you, but you had to push him away! Why did you do that? Don't lie to me and tell me that it was for the best because it clearly wasn't. You're a mess, Rachel and I've been trying to fix you for ages but you cannot be fixed!" She was shouting now and I placed my hands on my ears, trying to shut out every word she said but as hard as I tried to block her out, I heard every single word clearly.

"Stop it." I whispered again, but slightly louder.

"Is this how you want to live your life, Rachel? You're twenty-two years old! What happened to all your dreams and passions? Did you forget them or are you satisfied with siting here all day?" Her voice rung in my ears from how loud it was. I was afraid they'd kick me out but this didn't happen for a long time, everything had been going really well.

"Please stop." I spoke, no longer whispering.

"No one's coming back. You should snap out of it! Everyone asks me about you at work or when I go back to Ohio for reunions and I always lie for you. I'm being sinned because of you! Do you ever wonder how H-"

"Get out of my house! Get out, Santana! You have no right whatsoever to talk about anyone in my house like that. Don't come back! I'm getting my lock changed and I don't want to see your ass in my house anymore!" I exploded, throwing my chair on the floor. Santana didn't even budge; she crossed her arms and looked at me.

"You never get your lock changed. You can't scare me, Rachel. I'm doing this because you need to get your life back together."

"I don't need to do anything." I insisted, smoke still pouring out of my ears. I grabbed my coat that was placed on the rack and put it on, grabbing my keys and everything. "Nothing is wrong with me. I don't need help." I muttered to myself as I closed the door.

* * *

Santana never came back. December starts tomorrow and I haven't heard from anyone. No one came to take my clothes to the laundry center, no one bought me new groceries or cleaned my house but maybe I liked things that way.

Or maybe I'm still trying to convince myself that I like it.

I always wished to be by myself and to have the privacy that I deserved but now it just feels plain wrong. I can still hear Santana's shrill screaming voice in my ear and sometimes it haunts me at night that I have to close my ears to avoid hearing all that she had to say.

Was it true? Did I really throw my life away just like that?

I wrapped my scarf around my neck and wore my boots before unlocking the door and stepping outside. Mark, the black haired man, was seated on his chair and was obviously doing his job as the security guard before he spotted me and stood up. "Ms. Berry."

"Mark," I smiled and nodded my head as a greeting. He smiled and looked down, playing with the phone wire. Before I could step outside, I heard him say something but I didn't exactly catch it. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

He looked nervous to be speaking to me. Maybe he heard my daily fights with Santana. "I was wondering whether I should call Ms. Lopez."

"Santana? Why would you want to call her?" I asked and he was about to answer before I beat him to it. "You know, if you wanted to hook up with her you should simply just go for it. She likes dominant people."

"It's not that, Ms. Berry. She told me to call her if you ever decided to leave the apartment when she wasn't around but she recently told me to forget about it because you'd never leave. It's not my place to ask but, why are you leaving the apartment after so many months of isolating yourself?" Mark seemed like a really nice guy, don't get me wrong but the whole thing angered me. Was Santana setting someone to watch me and inform her about my every move? I felt like a kid who had to depend on people. I clenched my fists and felt all the rage boil in me, and what suddenly made her tell him to 'forget it'? I looked outside the window and noticed that it was snowing and I felt angrier than I was a few minutes ago. I despised the color white.

I exhaled, releasing everything that was in me and unclenched my fists. "Don't tell her anything, just pretend like I'm still siting in there."

"But Ms. Berry-"

"Have a nice day, Mark." I stepped outside the building and everything felt wrong. I could actually feel how cold it was instead of looking out and imagining. I could feel my inner self-wanting to smile and walk towards the snow, grabbing a handful of it and just simply feeling it. But that was not what I was going to do; I kicked the snow and walked to my destination, wishing that I wouldn't run back upstairs to stare at that hideous blank white paper.


	2. Chapter 2

"I had a feeling I'd find you here." Someone said as they stood next to me but my full attention was given to this huge theater in front of me. People were walking out, holding playbills in their hands with either rotten looks or hopeful and smiling looks.

"I didn't want to come here but I just…. did." I shook my head and kept staring ahead of me. "What are you doing here, Tana?"

"Can't believe you're making me say this but I miss you, Berry." She said and I looked at her, ignoring whatever I was paying attention to previously. "At first, I was grateful that I didn't have to come and do your shit for you but later on, I realized that I actually liked doing it. I had an excuse to get a housekeeper to clean and wash my shit for me but after you seriously kicked me out this time, I realized that I'm officially a disgrace to my family for hiring someone to do my things."

"You're not a disgrace, Santana and you'll never be."

"I suck at apologies but I'm sorry about what I said. I shouldn't have said anything and I was just pissed about the case and how I couldn't get him out so I started throwing your things at you. I'm a horrible person." She hid her face by placing her hands on her face. She was much taller than I was now or maybe it was the fact that her boots had heels.

"You're not horrible. I deserved it, I guess I needed a slap of reality and everything you said was true. I can sometimes hear your voice ringing in my ear at night. It's like an echo in my apartment," I said, exhaling and watching air particles exit from my mouth. Santana cringed and was about to say something before I beat her to it. "Anyway, I had to have an excuse to leave the house to get a new chair. That one was pretty crappy and it already memorized my butt's structure."

"No longer a virgin." Santana laughed and I smiled, genuinely smiled for the first time in ages. Santana and I go way back, we didn't attend the same university but we stayed pretty close since we lived in the same city. We were enemies in middle school but we became pretty close in high school. She used to scare everyone away and she showed everyone how intimidating she actually was but she had a soft side that she allowed only a couple of people to see. We were a group of three friends, but we turned into two only. When I first lost my virginity, I hadn't told anyone and not even Santana even though we were super close but she figured it out. We were siting in her room, watching some series that she followed and she looked at me – she studied me, actually – and smiled. After my constant nagging as to why she smiled, she looked at me and told me that she knew. When I went back home, she texted me those words and I smiled.

"No longer a virgin, and it got boring so I need a shiny, new one." I said, rubbing my hands together to form some friction. "Even though it'll be inexperienced and it won't know how to properly hold my butt, it's fine. I guess I can survive."

Santana looked uneasy and I knew that she was hiding something from me. I gave her a questioning look and she sighed. "I'm sorry."

"What did you do?" I asked and my stomach was going crazy. Something felt wrong.

"You scared me, Rachel. I was so scared for you-"

"What did you do?" I was on the verge of screaming and I hated drawing unwanted attention especially if I was mad. It's not a very nice thing to look at.

"I called Finn-" the rest of what she said went unheard because I felt like my heart stopped beating. She called _Finn_? How could she do that? I felt like all the oxygen was clogged in my throat and it wasn't going to my lungs. I wanted to run, I wanted to shout and I wanted to cry but I couldn't, my body wasn't capable of doing that. I haven't heard his name in ages and I felt weird because he left me, he said he'd never come back and it took me a really long time to forget him and to leave him completely.

"I have to go," I breathed out, tears forming in my eyes. I looked at the Broadway theatre and felt a hot tear spill on my cheek. "I can't see him, I need to get the fastest flight back to Ohio. This places holds so many memories that I want to forget, I can't do this Tana."

"Rachel." Santana whispered and if her voice were a little lower, the wind would've blocked it out. I wish it did.

"I can't do this! I can't!" Tears were flowing like crazy and for once, I felt like a cloud. A cloud that had been walking around and kept chasing the sun, chasing something bright and hopeful but instead, this cloud gave up on its spot and oozed it's tears. I was a cloud. I felt as empty as that stupid blank white paper that was on my table. My vision was blurred and I couldn't see whether Santana was shaking her head or whether she was embarrassed or whether she pitied me. I started running and I heard someone calling my name, preferably Santana, but my legs wouldn't stop moving. I had to get out of here; this place was no longer home. I pushed the door of the building and watched Mark stand up, as if he had to inform me about something but I ran up the stairs and sobbed in front of the apartment door.

He left me when I needed him the most. How dare she mentioned the-man-who-shouldn't-be-named? The one who promised to care about me but instead left me without saying anything, the one who stopped answering his calls and made everyone lie about where he was. I traveled back and forth between New York and Ohio hoping to find him somewhere. He was gone.

He was nowhere to be found but he was everywhere.

I unlocked the door and entered my apartment, sobbing so hard I felt like my lungs were about to fall out. I leaned on the door and allowed ugly sobs to escape me. I honestly thought that everything was getting better but this had to come up. He had to show up. I wiped my tears and stood up, slowly navigating myself back to my room so I could change into my dark gray sweats with a white shirt. I closed my eyes and counted back from ten, inhaling from my nose and exhaling from my mouth. It calmed me down a bit and I shook my head.

He had to ruin my life and leave me, now I'm this mess who can't help but stare outside the window and determine what the weather would be like. Sometimes I try guessing the weather for the entire week and I'd help myself to some roasted chicken if I were right.

I walked back outside and noticed that I didn't have a chair. I slammed my hand on the table and threw the white paper on the floor. I should've actually went looking for colored papers and proper chairs rather than to stand in the most obvious place and intentionally wait for people to find me.

"Rachel." I heard someone whisper and I laughed. I was going crazy because no one knew my name here. I was actually hearing things now! "I like your place, it seems very… cozy."

My head immediately snapped to the source of the voice and I knew that I was not imaging (at least it confirmed that I'm not going crazy. Ha!). "Wh-what are you doing here?"

He looked different. He was no longer wearing plaid but instead, he had dark jeans on with a white shirt. If I had been paying attention, I would've noticed that his coat was hanging on the rack. His eyes looked tired, his scruff was lightly visible and his hair was longer than the last time I saw him. He looked like the high school version of him, except with tired eyes and a scruff.

"Santana called." He rubbed his face and sighed. My heart was beating so fast and I was blinking back the tears because Finn was standing in front of me. I wanted to run to him and smell his neck to check if he still uses the same cologne, I wanted to touch his hair because I wondered whether it was still as soft as a baby's cheek. I wanted to look into his amber colored eyes and just stare at them all day but I couldn't because he was the man who ruined me. "She told me everything."

"She promised she wouldn't." I said, shaking my head and holding the tears in but they were threatening to leak and show him how weak I actually am. I couldn't do that. "You shouldn't have came, Finn. We talked about this before, you even told me that this place was trash and you hated it. You told me you couldn't stand this city."

"Can you, Rach?" he asked, extending his hand to somehow warn me that he was coming closer. I shook my head and stepped back. He shouldn't be here, this is wrong. This was never planned to happen.

"Please don't call me that," I furiously shook my head now with small tears dripping on my cheek. Hearing his voice just triggered so many memories, both good and bad, that deserve to be stored and to stay hidden. I couldn't afford to handle them since I was already on edge. "Santana shouldn't have called, I'm perfectly fine. Can't you see? I still have an apartment, water, electricity, clean clothes and good health. Everything is okay, you didn't have a valid reason to come back."

He pitied me and I couldn't hold the stare. His eyes were sad and gloomy towards me. I became better and even my dads told me that now (Yes, dads – I have two gay ones and they're incredible if you ask me), they used to cry every time they'd visit me but now they'd just have sad expressions on, which is an improvement.

He bit the inside of his cheek before he spoke, "You're not okay, Rach. I'm worried and everyone is."

"You don't have to lie, why would you even worry about me?" I whispered, meeting his gaze. "It's actually funny how you started to 'worry' about me after Santana called. It seemed like you forgot I existed before that, isn't that right?"

"That's not true," he said, pointing a finger at me. "I've always cared about you. How was I supposed to prove it to you? No one from outside of New York could contact you because you don't have a phone! You don't even check your mail or email. What was I supposed to do? Please tell me. I'm very interested to know." He threw his hands in the air and sat on the couch, brushing his fingers in his hair and tugging on it. He was mad at me and that simple action confirmed it.

"You could've been there for me when I needed you!" I shouted and he laughed.

"You never let me do that! You fucking pushed me away!" I felt like we were back in high school, constantly fighting over the smallest of things. The difference was the fact that we used to laugh it out before but it wasn't the same anymore. We were constantly out on each other and the flame never blew away.

"You could've tried harder! You could've put more effort but instead, you ran away! You left me, Finn," I walked towards him and stabbed his chest with my finger. "Santana stayed and she proved her point, she cares about me. She constantly checks on me, she shows me how much she cares about me. But you, you left me. You gave up on me." My stabs were weak and I couldn't hold myself together anymore. I began keenly sobbing and I couldn't even hold my own body weight together. I officially wrecked myself.

My body decided to fail and I almost fell to the ground but Finn caught me, rocking me back and forth to stop the tears. We sat on the ground for hours as I sobbed my way out of this misery that I called life. "Of course I care about you, Rach. You were my heart and soul, and you still are, I can't let you go that easily."

"But you did. You left me and just disappeared. When was the last time we actually saw each other?" I wiped the tears away from my eyes and looked up at him. He looked unbelievably upset and my heart cracked a little at the thought of doing this to him myself. Maybe I was as cruel as everyone claimed.

"How would you react when your wife shuts you out and tells you that she can't handle seeing your face? You wouldn't talk to me and you'd pretend I wasn't here. Do you know how much that hurt me?" he asked, his voice cracking. He shook his head and continued, ignoring that tear that landed on his cheek. "That one week I had to leave for the conference, I wanted to cancel it so bad because I wanted to be here with you. I wanted to be here _for_ you, but they told me I'd lose the job and I couldn't afford that. Everything was going downhill and we needed the money, I couldn't screw our finance as well. So I went and I made sure Santana hung around, even though she despised our house and the energy that was in it. I called every hour because I cared, Rachel. I was worried and scared and I had to be reassured that you were doing well. She told me about how well you were doing without me, how you actually ate an entire plate of food and about how you wanted to take a stroll in the park.

"I actually put my name in a bet so we'd leave New York and go somewhere else like possibly Los Angeles. I actually won that bet and they offered me a job role in L.A so I took it. I paid Santana to buy you food, clothes, keep your house intact and she's done a pretty good job." He nodded his head, examining the place and sighing. He slowly rubbed his index finger on my hand and the gesture didn't bother me, as it normally would've.

"I thought you weren't in LA, at least that's what Tana told me every once in a while when she'd slip something about you." It actually shocked me that we were having a normal conversation that didn't include screaming and throwing chairs around. I was actually siting in between his legs and I wasn't sobbing violently. It felt too good to be true.

"I left L.A after a year of staying there, I had to leave the states for a while and I did. I stayed in France for four months and now I'm currently living in Vancouver." He brushed his fingers through my hair and it sent Goosebumps everywhere. I lightly bit my lip before I looked up at him again to see his beautiful amber eyes scrutinizing me. He smiled and I allowed a small smile to slip my lips for the first time in years in front of him.

"Do you still write songs and consider it a profession?" I asked, teasing him slightly. He scoffed and smiled widely, allowing his dimples to drill holes in his face.

"Says the person who wanted to sing and be on Broadway," he lightly pushed my shoulder. "But yes, I still do that."

"How's it working out for you? Have you written any of those horrible generic songs that are out on the radio?" I got off his lap and walked towards the kitchen, Finn following in tow.

He answered my question as I made some coffee and poured it in his mug. "Actually, everything I write is good so the answer to your question is no I haven't written any of those horrible songs that are currently on the radio."

"Are you sure? Because I heard a little of you in Jason Derulo's new single Wiggle." I tormented him and placed the mug in front of him before taking a seat opposite side him. He studied the cup and smiled, raising it up in the air.

"Thanks. I can't believe you still have this, why didn't you throw it away?" it was a red mug with the number five on it, which was Finn's number back in high school when he was the quarterback.

"I couldn't throw it away, it wasn't mine to throw away. I needed your permission. I actually wrote a letter and I was about to ask Tana to send it to you, it included the words 'Hey Finn, I know we don't talk anymore but you left your stupid mug at my house so can I throw it out?' It was funny."

He looked away and stared at the abnormally sunny weather before looking back at me with a gloomy look on. "I'm sorry about everything."

"Yeah," I said, taking a sip of my coffee. "Me too."

* * *

"Are you pregnant?" Santana asked, leaning on the kitchen's table. She was removing her hair from the bun she had closed it in roughly.

"No," I shook my head quickly, putting the spoon in my mouth and licking the yogurt. "Why in the world would you think that I'm pregnant? Is it because Finn returned?"

She laughed and sat down, studying me for a few seconds. I felt slightly uncomfortable in her gaze but she was Santana after all, she was good at doing that. "You only ate yogurt when you were pregnant."

I felt the bile rise back up to my mouth but I closed my eyes and exhaled. She knew how to get under my skin. "That was a theory I created."

"Just like the theory that if someone kissed you or hugged you before an audition, you'd screw it up?" she asked, opening a pack of chips and staring at me. I shook my head and looked away, staring back at my phone to check whether anyone contacted me. Right after talking to Finn and telling him that I needed my personal space, he left but came back hours later with an iPhone 5s. 'Just take it, I need to contact you somehow… please?' I was never a phone person. Back in Ohio, the first phone I ever owned was in sophomore year and that was because my dads had frequent trips out of the country and they couldn't just send me to my grandma's house, which was nearly two hours away from school. I also never felt the need to have one because, besides my dads, I had no one to contact but after sophomore year, I had more than one person to contact and that warmed my heart.

Santana stopped chewing and cocked her head to the side; "I was actually going to use that theory once I got pregnant. You know? It'll inform me automatically."

"Drop it." I hissed, slamming the cupboard a little too hard.

"Whoa, what's going on here? The tension is so strong that I can actually use a knife to slice it." Finn said, entering the kitchen with a huge smile plastered on his face. I was officially boiling in rage.

I looked at Santana and she sent a fake smile towards my direction. "Oops, I must've slipped an extra copy of your house key to Finn. I hope you don't mind."

"Santana, I hate it-" I started but Santana interrupted me, looking at Finn.

"Watch, now she'll constantly talk about wanting 'personal space'." She said, using air quotations. All I could see was red, was she mocking me? I clenched my fists and lost it. I threw the spoon I was using towards Santana but she dodged it in the last second, moving her head. It actually would've hit her eye but at the moment, I couldn't care less. I actually wished it did and I didn't even feel ashamed for thinking like that. Santana stood up and slammed her hand on the table, "You bitch. You could've blinded me."

I laughed without humor and bent down slightly, "I better get more spoons then, maybe I'd actually hit you this time."

Santana walked towards me and she was pushing her sleeves up, to somehow warn me. I began walking closer to her so I could give her face a beautiful décor but Finn stood in between us and held my shoulders, pushing me away. "Rachel, walk out. Go outside and breathe then you can come back."

"She insulted me!" I shrieked, hitting Finn in the chest. His face showed emotions of pain even though he tried to hide it as hard as possible. Santana's figure was not showing anymore because of Finn's unbelievably tall figure. His grip on my shoulders was stronger than I thought and I lowly hissed in pain. "You're hurting me."

"Finn, get your fucking large body out of the way so I can smack lady-man a bit. Let her get a taste of her own medicine." Santana demanded, trying her best to get through Finn. He turned and looked at her before the most unexpected thing happened.

He turned towards me and smashed our lips together. I stilled for a second and stopped breathing; I couldn't believe this was happening. I pushed him away and looked down, tears blinding my vision. "You…you shouldn't h-have done that." I whispered and looked up with a blurry vision of Finn's face.

I shook my head and walked away, finally allowing the tears to shed. I finally got the courage to allow him back in my life and he goes and ruins it all by kissing me. My mind was turning and I couldn't respire again. I touched my head and immediately lost balance, knocking my head on the floor.

The last thing I heard was Santana shouting for Finn to come and she whispered, "This is not good." After that, everything went black.

* * *

The constant beep bothered me and I groaned but my body was not capable of moving. I opened my eyes but the beeping suddenly stopped. Everything was white; I looked down and couldn't even see my body. Maybe this was what death looked like? But I couldn't have died from a small faint session…. Could I? So many questions were swarming my mind and when I heard something, I thought I officially went mad.

"You're not dead." The voice was an infant, or at least a child. I panicked and kept turning around, looking for the source of the voice but I couldn't see anyone. It was all white.

I despised the color white.

"Reveal yourself… or just come out." My voice was weak and I forced the words out of my mouth. My mouth felt dry and everything felt wrong. I wanted to cry and never stop. Nothing made sense.

"Don't be scared, I'm not going to do anything to you." The voice was so familiar but I couldn't wrap my finger around it. I shook my head and prayed to wake up any time soon.

"I-I don't understand." I stammered and sighed. My head felt heavy and my breathing was harder.

"When you wake up, tell Finn to play something for you." My heart stopped and I was seriously confused. Finn? What about Finn? But before I could ask any questions, I heard my name being called and my eyes suddenly felt tired. My eyes closed to the voice of someone constantly calling me.

My senses were coming back and everything felt like a dream. The beeping was too loud and I felt like I was about to wake up from a hangover with a horrible headache but I didn't have the power to open my eyes yet. I simply couldn't.

"Rachel?" I heard Finn's panicked voice and his fingers kept stroking my hand. If I was actually conscious, I would've slapped him away but I wasn't strong enough and I couldn't think properly. I felt like I was about to fall asleep any second now, which I was trying to avoid the most.

The door creaked and it sounded like someone was actually coming in. Finn grasped my hand, stopping the comfortable stroking. I was kind of thankful since it was making me sleep. "I'm sorry, no guests are allowed at the moment."

"Please, doc." Finn's voice was tired and it sounded like he didn't speak for hours. I was concerned for his well being. Did he sleep at all?

"Only immediate family, son." The doctor sounded like a man in his mid thirties. It seemed like he had a long day and couldn't wait to go home, and that Finn was his obstacle and wasn't allowing him to leave for the night. It was quite amazing what you could identify about a person by hearing them.

"I'm her… husband." He croaked and my heart slightly broke, did he really still consider me as his wife or did he just say that to avoid going back to my apartment or wherever he was staying for the night?

"You don't sound so sure."

"Rachel Hudson. I'm Finn Hudson, she's my wife, sir." He began stroking my hand again and playing with my fingers, probably hoping to get a response any time soon. I tried to answer back to tell him that I'm okay and everything is great but I seemed to lose the ability to move my fingers. I wasn't capable of that and it scared me again.

"Okay son. Go home for a while and take a shower, change your clothes or at least eat something. You look like hell." The doctor didn't sound mean but he was most definitely pitying Finn and that was one of his biggest pet peeves. "I don't think you'd want Rachel to see you looking like this."

"She can't see me. Why isn't she waking up? She didn't even hit her head that hard. I don't get it, doc. I'm scared and I don't understand this." I had a feeling that Finn was shaking his head in fear, like he normally would but I couldn't tell.

The doctor sighed and I felt him sit on a chair since it squeaked, "It wasn't from the hit, son. She was straining herself. Since you're her husband, haven't you noticed the odd behavior? She hasn't had any food in her system for the past week. She could actually be classified as a person with anorexia if she wasn't forced to eat a little by whoever did it." Finn's grasp on my hand became a little tighter and I felt a squeeze, "This is probably a personal question but has anything happened that might lead to this?"

"Yeah… a lot has happened in her life." Finn sounded uncomfortable and I felt it in the air.

"Divorce?" The doctor didn't sound as irritated as he was before. He wasn't actually rushing everything to be home, he seemed genuinely interested.

Finn sighed before he spoke, "Almost."

"I have time."

"I don't know, I don't want to throw my problems on you, doc. Don't you want to be home instead of siting here with a problematic family?"

"I'm not doing this to make you feel any better. I need to know what I should treat her with." Ha! Only naïve Finn would actually believe his words. I wanted to laugh out loud but my throat was too weak to even make a sound.

Finn let go of my hand for a second and caught it again, to probably wipe it on his jeans. He was nervous and I felt horrible because I couldn't help him out of this situation. "I honestly don't know where to start."

"Divorce."

Finn laughed before he started, "Yeah, that. We had a couple family issues and a lot of fights but it was normal, you know? Even my parents fight sometimes and they were never anything serious. It was either because I left the toothpaste cap open or I dropped Pepsi on the floor and I didn't wipe it off so the floor became sticky. But things became intense and nothing worked out anymore so she told me that we need time away from each other and after a year of siting and hoping that I'd convince her to remove that idea off her mind, I gave up and gave her some time away. We practically lived in different cities but I had people check on her occasionally. She'd sometimes send divorce papers to be signed but I couldn't do that. She's the love of my life, doc, and I couldn't." His voice cracked and I felt my heart break for a second. I didn't even know whether he still loved me after all the hell I'd put him through. I'd sometimes sit and think whether he did. Finn put his head on our hands, which he was gripping tightly and I felt his breath shake. Tears were dripping on my hand and I wanted to pull him next to me and just hold him. He was breaking my heart.

"Her dads would visit me sometimes and they'd beg me to sign the papers, saying that this was probably holding her back. She wasn't herself for the longest time and we were trying so hard. My brother's boyfriend is a doctor and he said that she was probably going through depression so we would cut the pills in two and put it in her water sometimes so she'd have it. We tried, doc. I tried to work things with her and we all tried, my parents, Blaine, Kurt, her dads… everyone. Nothing worked. I sometimes thought whether she loved me anymore. I had days where I was really sad, I'd put the divorce papers in front of me and I'd look at it. What if this divorce fixes everything? But then again, what if it makes her think I don't want her anymore? I didn't want to feed her with lies."

"It's okay," I felt the chair squeak, indicating that the doctor got up. Someone patted Finn's back a couple of times and he let go of my hand. I didn't know half of the things that he said, like the pills and the fact that my dads even knew about his whereabouts when I didn't. Maybe it was because I never bothered to ask Santana, I was too engrossed in the sky and the paper that was always next to me.

"I'm sorry for wasting your time. Maybe you're right, I'll go home and I'll take a shower. Rachel wouldn't want to see me like this." You could hear him smile from his tone. I felt like regret was biting me and I would be eaten alive bit by bit.

"I don't normally tell people this but you can open the cupboard and you'll find some clothes there. Go take a shower right now so the nurses won't find you here." The doctor tapped Finn again and whispered, "Take care of her. I think by now she could hear you. Entertain her."

The whole place fell quiet after the door clicked. I heard shuffling but then it was just quiet for a while. I wasn't sure if I fell asleep but something woke me up, it felt like my brain shut off for a while and that's when I heard Finn singing. It warmed my heart and I wanted to cry out loud and hold him. His voice had improved a lot since high school and it sounded like he was writing something down because he kept tsk-ing and it seemed like he was erasing something.

I wanted to laugh at myself. At least Finn could write something on a paper, unlike me, it just kept mocking me siting there everyday. He began humming and tapping his foot. For a while, it went on like that before he suddenly stopped and I felt him grasp my hand again.

"Rachel?" he whispered, as if he was afraid to wake me up from this slumber that seemed endless. He sighed, "I'm sorry about leaving you, I shouldn't have done that. I should've stuck by your side when everything happened but... it was a mess! I wanted to make a name out of myself to make you guys proud of me, so you could go gloat and tell everyone that your husband was huge and not some loser who had a crappy SAT score. Do you still tell people about my SAT score?"

He fell quiet for a few seconds before he continued, it was like he was thinking about what he was going to say. "I remember when we went to one of those NYADA parties you had at your university and you kept complaining because everyone checked me out. I even remember this girl who actually came to me and she wanted to dance but you scared her off with my SAT score. I didn't even think that was possible." He lightly laughed and kept pushing his fingers in my hand and removing it, repeating the process a couple of times. "Everything was possible with you, it was all about timing and belief."

"The doctor said that you can actually hear me, but can you? Can I at least have a sign that you're awake? I think it's time you wake up already, you've been sleeping for nearly nine days and I'm not happy. I prefer seeing you scratch Santana's face off than nothing at all. Your dads came to visit and there's this huge teddy bear with a paper on his chest that has a huge red star drawn on it. My mom and Burt came as well and they got you some vegan chips from Japan since they came back. Apparently, you used to order these behind my back using my card and I finally figured this out two years later from my mother. Real smooth, Rach."

He had a lot to say and I noticed that. Regret was honestly eating me up; I shouldn't have cut contact with him. I should've at least called him once a month, even if it'll end up being an awkward situation, it would totally be worth it since it was him. He didn't say anything for a very long time and I was convinced he fell asleep. My body grew tired once again and I felt devastated, I had nine days of sleep and yet I was still tired somehow.

I was about to drift away but I caught one last whisper that came out of Finn before it all went away, "I fall for you every day."

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